"James Cameron To Film 3D Movie on Mars?"

Link Out Friday

1) Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments: Watched, Reviewed and Completed (The Horror Digest)

2) A Nightmare on Elm Street Drinking Game (Movie Cynics)

3) James Cameron To Film 3D Movie on Mars? (/Film)

4) A Man's Guide to Drunk Texting (Sloshspot)

5) The 20 Most Badass Action Movie Quotes (Guyism)

"Protip: If you have diarrhea, avoid smelling pepper."

Thursday Twittles

@AyhamTamari : Today is my birthday. I turn 27 years old. I turn the machinery around an axis.

@myaltered_ego : Sorry I haven't tweeted in a few days. Been busy SAVING LIVES! But continue to eat bunt cake and judge from your pedestal.

@dcwilhite : Protip: If you have diarrhea, avoid smelling pepper.

@abigvictory : I have officially declared today Make Fun of Nickelback Day. So, carry on as normal.

@keithland : My Goal used to be to make a sex tape with my girlfriend, now its for her to let me live tweet all the action

20 Terribly Awesome Blaxploitation Titles

Pop Cultatron Wednesdays

Considering the success of last week's list, 2o Terribly Awesome Film Titles, I decided to work on a follow-up consisting of blaxploitation titles. If you're not sure what blaxploitation is, Urban Dictionary calls it, "Movie highlighting the differences between races. The star is black, and will constantly make jokes about whites. Funny for any race to watch". Yeah, I guess that cuts it. Just to make something clear though, I'm not condoning the racism. It's awesome just how offensive these titles could get, although there is a disappointing lack of the term "honky".

20) Coonskin
19) Dolemite
18) Sheba, Baby
17) Black Mama, White Mama
16) Watermelon Man
15) The Monkey Hu$tle
14) The Spook Who Sat By the Door
13) I'm Gonna Git You Sucka
12) Get Nigger Rich on Number 666 (reissue title)
11) Thomasine & Bushrod
10) Disco Godfather
9) Vampiyaz
8) Come Back, Carleston Blue
7) Darktown Strutters
6) Othello, the Black Commando
5) Cornbread, Earl and Me
4) The Legend of Nigger Charley
3) Five on the Black Hand Side
2) Cotton Comes to Harlem
1) Gayniggers from Outer Space

Up, Down, Left, Right, Hold A, Start

Tape Deck Tuesday

I used to be comfortable referring to myself as a gamer. I played a lot of video games, and I was good at most of them, but these days I don't feel like I have the joystick cred to pull it off. Since I don't own a current-gen console, I'm terribly out of the loop on modern gaming and the various "benefits". Sure they have higher production values, actual plot, and impeccable graphics, but I still think older games had more soul.

Remember back when games used to have ACTUAL codes? The kind you enter by pressing buttons in a certain order, which in turn give you access to some debug menu, level select, or the ever popular sound test. Who the hell likes the sound in a 16-bit game enough to play through it over and over again?

It might just be me, but I feel like a lot of modern games just don't get it. I don't want to beat a game in fifteen hours on my first play-through. I want a game where you die three times in the opening level, and you don't have that "training mission" bullshit. Games should reward quick reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and perfect timing. Newer ones just feel like the only skill you need is patience, and your reward is a cutscene that takes longer than the whole level did.

Obviously there are some modern games that do have the feel and spirit of older ones, but my impression is that these aren't the majority. Instead companies seem to be focusing on the casual gamer demographic, pumping out a million versions of Rockband and flooding the market with generic shooters that can be beaten in an afternoon.

These games have value, but they don't have heart. They're useless, but I still miss high scores and having lives. I miss shitty debug codes that wear out their entertainment value in four minutes. I miss being amazed at the creativity and invention that got squeezed out of a system with four buttons. I miss actually reading the instruction manual just to figure out what the plot of a game was. Most of all, I think I just miss games that stay fun past the first play.

The Lovely Ladies of Gervais Comedy

Monday Maidens

Only recently did I start watching The Office (US), and I'm disappointed in myself for denying myself laughs for this long. Not only is it funny, but it's incredibly well made and everyone involved really hits it out of the park. The other selling point is miss Jenna Fischer, who makes me feel like I'm climbing the rope in gym class...


The Office reminds me of everything I really loved about Extras, including Ashley Jensen, who plays the most delightfully charming, innocent, moron you've ever encountered. It takes an amazing balance for that character to be anything but enraging, but it was totally nailed in terms of acting and writing. But she's pretty cute, which makes the recurring joke about her less-than-appealing looks all the more hilarious.


It takes special comedic talent to nail characters created by Gervais, and these women are no exception. They might not be able to compete with my dream gal Lucille Ball, but they're much more appealing than some empty-headed plastic skank. Unless of course she has a dream house and hot-pink limousine. Under those conditions, bimbos are totally allowed.

Ten Podcasts I Can't Get Enough Of

Things of Awesome

I only got on the podcast wagon recently, but I've heard that things are better late then never, unless you're talking about herpes. If you don't know what a podcast is, I was going to think up a hilarious definition, but lets see what the good people at Urban Dictionary have provided for us first:

1) podcast - An online audio blog. Term invented by Adam Curry. A broadcast file which is commonly downloaded on an iPod or other MP3 hardware for mobile listening. Can also be played directly from your computer.

BORING, lets find one with a little more spice.

2) podcast - Another example of apple trying to brand everything with their name. It's a fucking MP3. Nothing more.

A step in the right direction, but it doesn't really inform. Let's try one more.

9) Podcast - An .mp3 file recorded in the style of a talk radio broadcast. Coined originally by Apple when they began offering a free "have your own Internet radio show" service through iTunes. Popular podcasts range from "Mugglecast" to "Catholic Insider".

I think that about takes care of it, although these definitions still don't sound appealing. I like to think of podcasts as talk-radio style shows that are uncensored and don't have to bend to lame network demands. Most are free, few have commercials, and a ton of them are worth your time.

These are the ones I regularly listen to, so don't get all pissy if I didn't mention your favorite. I probably haven't listened to it yet, or maybe *GASP*, I have an opinion that differs from yours.

Here's my Top Ten accompanied by one of the iTunes reviews:

10) Movies You Should See

"At times hilarious, at times sad, but always engrossing. Movies viewed through the eyes of average, but very intelligent moviegoers. Simply the most entertaining podcast. Period"

9) Jordan, Jesse, Go!

"Jordan and Jesse are a couple of guys with a silly, snarky sense of humour. The show is mostly just them chatting, with enough structure to keep things on the rails most of the time. Funny guests, goofy themes and charming musical punctuation are icing on the cake."

8) Nobody Likes Onions

"Been listening to this one since it started. If you like edgy comedy you will enjoy this pod. I want Patrick in my mouth now."

7) The Nerdist

"Great podcast that gives an inside look into the comic's persona. The guests are entertaining and opinionated, which always makes for good radio. Worth a listen whether or not you get obscure humour."

6) Comedy Film Nerds

"I come for the witty movie-centric banter, but I stay for Chris Mancini's laugh. Great podcast...highly recommended."

5) Film Sack

"This podcast makes me embarrassed, especially when I'm snickering to myself like a homeless insane person while listening to it on public transit. Certainly the best/weirdest movie podcast I've come across."

4) SModcast

"One of the best, uncut, nonsensical pieces of entertainment I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. I could listen to Kevin and Mos talk about nothing all day long."

3) Stop Podcasting Yourself

"Great dynamic between the 2 hosts, hilarious recurring segments and unique integration of listener calls & e-mails make this the best comedy podcast out there. Subscribe and listen to previous episodes, it's truly consistently funny each week."

2) I Love Movies

"Doug Benson does an amazing job of bringing a variety of film and comedy stars to teh podcast to talk about movies. The results are always a zany mix of hijinx which is sure to entertain the listener. If you like movies, comedy, or just great conversation you should check out this podcast."

1) You Look Nice Today

"Original, daring and funny as hell, You Look Nice Today is the greatest comedy podcast you never knew about. It's laced with hidden humor and made up of a cast that always has a story to tell."

Red Pandas: So Cute They're Badass

Animal News Saturday

Stumbling my way through the Internet I discovered this site here, which informed me about the existence of red pandas. They're from the Himalayas, and cute as hell. Even though they're called pandas, they're not bears. Actually, they look like a fox and a raccoon had a hilarious baby, but they're related to neither of those either.

As it turns out, "they are considered 'living fossils', which means they’re more closely related to animals found in fossils than any living species". I did go to University, so I'm pretty sure that means they're either dinosaurs or pokemon, which is neat.

I'm sure I could learn more about these things from a library, or at least Wikipedia, but I'm afraid it might tarnish my current image of them. I refuse to learn anything else about these little guys, especially because nothing will be more interesting than this: "The people native to the red panda’s region call them 'Wha' after the sound they make". Seriously, how awesome is it that the cutest animal ever, which happens to be some ancient creature, makes that noise? 80% awesome.

Normally I'm not one for cute animals, but these are the coolest things ever. Well, they might be more badass if it turned out they were viscous carnivores or something, but anything this cute couldn't possibly be threatening. Except for potentially having rabies or dancing panda syndrome.

"22 Awesomely Inappropriate Comic Book Covers"

Friday Link Out

1) 22 Awesomely Inappropriate Comic Book Covers (Maxim)

2) Local Hero Starts Strip Club in His House (Asylum)

3) Suspected Bomb Turns Out To Be Less Harmless, More Pleasurable (FListed)

4) Top Ten Songs About Prostitutes (Gunaxin)

5) 10 Things the Internet Has Killed or Ruined (and 5 Things It Hasn't) (PCWorld)

"'They'll get you in the rear' is still an underutilized tagline."

Thursday Twittles

1) @michaeljnelson : Earth Day pledge: I will eat fewer dolphins this year.

2) @GaryJBusey : The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly murders me to death. One. Piece. At. A. Time.

3) @JessicaNorthey : I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

4) @forestaken : Wow unemployment lady just laughed at me on phone so hard she dropped the phone

5) @MondoNews : "They'll get you in the rear" is still an underutilized tagline.

20 Terribly Awesome Film Titles

While doing some research for an article on disturbing movies, I came to a couple conclusions:

1) Japan must be an incredibly gruesome place.
2) There are far to many films that involve eating poop.
3) Jason, Michael, and Freddy are nowhere near as scary as a vagina with teeth.

These epiphanies aside, I also gained a quick appreciation for the amazing movie titles some of these monstrosities settled on. I know some are probably terrible translations, but some of them just seem like failed euphemisms for something about the butt. Here's twenty of my favorites. There's probably more, but if I found all of them, it would give you fine people nothing to do. I'm also not going to count blaxpoitation movies because those titles are funny enough to deserve their own list down the line. I'm not saying racism is funny, but the word "honkey" is. (When you put something in quotes, it makes it non-offensive)

20) Cannibal Ferox
19) Taxidermia
18) Zebadiah the Anthropophagus
17) Bachelor Party 2: Analysis of a Stripper Fight
16) Itty Bitty Titty Committee
15) Nekromantik
14) Strip Nude for Your Killer (US Title)
13) Brunch of the Living Dead
12) The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (US Title)
11) The Magnificent Six and ½: Peewee Had a Little Ape
10) Evelyn: The Cutest Evil Dead Girl
9) Lester's Transit Strike Hobby
8) Kung Fu Master Named Drunk Cat (US Title)
7) Terror Firmer
6) Frankenhooker
5) The Rebirth of Teutonic Lobster
4) Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
3) Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging
2) Carry on Again Doctor or Where There's a Pill There's a Way or The Bowels Are Ringing or If You Say It's Your Thermometer I'll Have to Believe You, But It's a Funny Place to Put It (UK Title)
1) I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney

Damn Do I Miss ALF

I miss everything about ALF. I miss his sarcasm, I miss his voice, and I especially miss the way be blatant whore for merchandise. Normally I take offense to that degree of selling-out, but c'mon he was ALF! I bought the stuffed doll, the t-shirts, and his brand of cat-seasoning.

They just don't make characters like this guy anymore. Sure, the cat-eating thing gets used a lot, but that level of fluffy smart-assery isn't as mainstream as it once was. It was a simpler time damnit, when aliens were everywhere and if you didn't have you, you were forced to compensate with tiny robots. What happened to these sci-fi sitcoms of yore? Have they all just been turned into cartoons? Invader Zim is solid, but c'mon I want to see hilarious puppets wearing Hawaiian shirts and talking about Gilligan's Island.

Maybe we're due for a resurgence of this type of program, I haven't been keeping track. It's been quite a while since Third Rock from the Sun was on, and Two and a Half Men just isn't cutting it for me anymore. Unless Jake starts dressing up like a furry of course.

The Octagon Ladies Know All The Angles

To those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful game, mixed martial arts matches of the UFC variety take place in an eight-sided squared-circle known as "The Octagon". Within, grown men beat each other to bloody pulps, or play complicated versions of grab-ass if the fight goes to the ground.

In an effort to confirm that the sport is manly at not at all homoerotic, the UFC employs beautiful women to hold up signs reminding the audience what round it is. These ladies move on to bigger and better things pretty quickly, so without further ado I give you the current crop of Octagon Gals:

NOTE: I would give you more information about them, but they're basically just shapely sign-posts.

Arianny Celeste



Rachelle Leah (Definitely my favorite)



Chandella Powell

So FARKing Awesome

The easiest way to figure out what's so great about FARK is to check the site out for yourself. It's basically a giant collection of crazy ass news stories that are submitted by users. What makes this site stand out from similar ones are the trademark FARK headlines, which are every bit as hilarious as anything written by The Onion. To show you the type of hilarity I've come to expect from FARK users, here are some of the headlines from the last few days:


Mayor compares himself to Jesus after getting caught peeing on a tree. "Yes two blokes got crucified this week ...and both will most certainly rise from the dead to come back to haunt a few people"

Cuban cigar legend dies at 91. Will be cremated slowly over an after-dinner glass of brandy

Japanese man goes full retard after his dad cancels internet

Okay, got the pasta done. What's next in the recipe..."add salt and freshly ground black people." WHAT?

Just a reminder to hipsters on Fark, today is Record Store Day. But you knew that before everyone else did, and didn't need a reminder, and now it's so not cool anymore, which makes it cool. Ironic tag is here for appearances

Do yourself a favor, if you want to check out some news, or kill five minutes, incorporate FARK into your regular Internet rotation.

Bolivian Animals Hit By Struggling Economy

In a move that is sure to please animal rights activists, Bolivia recently imposed a ban upon circus animals. One would think this would be a good news for the furry little guys, but how are they supposed to bring home the figurative bacon? With the country full of unemployed critters, the Bolivian government's cutbacks seem far from benevolent.

See guys, the economy is hitting everyone hard and these animals just don't have what it takes to be hired anywhere else. They're mostly middle-aged with no real-world experience, and employers are looking for people right out of school. I suppose some could go the Robin route and turn their circus training into crime fighting, but last I checked that doesn't pay the bills either... unless you're a policeman or something.

So spread the word everyone! If you see a Bolivian animal that happens to be juggling and/or smoking, try and give it some work or a sandwich. Remember, circus monkeys are people too... more or less.

"Drunk Man on News Hates Iceland"

Friday Link Out

1) 15 of the Greatest News Personality Names Of All Time (Real TV Addict)

2) Nicolas Cage: A Misunderstood Genius (Film School Rejects)

3) Scientists Discover Five Things That Smell Good To Nearly Everyone (io9)

4) Fox News Sexes Up Steven Seagal Sex-Slave Coverage (Asylum)

5) Drunk Man on News Hates Iceland (College Humor)

"Who just leaves a suit at work?"

Thursday Twittles

1) @mrbeaks : It's all fun and games until you find out Taylor Negron is half Puerto Rican.

2) @Skweezy : YO N E SEXI LADIES DAT WANNA HAVE PHONE SEX HOLLA. ALSO IF U A DUDE BUT CAN TALK LIKE A BITCH THATS COOL 2 JUST DONT TELL ME

3) @pickleloaf10 : i wish i had something cool for chuck norris to sign. besides my tits that is

4) @dwsweeney : Wondering why every TV station I've worked has a random rack of unclaimed suits, shirts, ties. Who just leaves a suit at work?

5) @cdashiell : David Rockefeller, the Rothschilds, the Bilderberg Group & the ghost of Acorn are interfering with my tin foil transmissions.

Why Spider-Man and Wolverine Won't Be In The Avengers

Okay, I've about heard enough. I'm certainly no expert on the matter, but I know enough to feel like my brain is being assaulted whenever I hear this matter being discussed. There is a startling amount of people out there without even the most rudimentary knowledge of the way movie and character rights are handled, so it's time to educate some masses.

Just to get it out of the way, Spider-Man and Wolverine will not possibly appear in the announced Avengers film that should be coming out in the next few years. This is not speculation or rumor, just cold hard fact. You see Marvel Studios, the studio who made Iron Man and rebooted The Incredible Hulk, will be putting out the Avengers movie, and they don't own the rights to Spider-Man or Wolverine (among many others).

"But Marvel owns them, so Marvel Studios can use them too." No they can't, that's not how these things work. This article explains this better, but I'll quote some of the relevant parts here.

When Marvel went bankrupt in 1996, it climbed out of the abyss by selling off the film rights to several of its characters. The rights to X-Men, Fantastic Four and Daredevil went to 20th Century Fox; Sony's Columbia Pictures snapped up Spider-Man and Ghost Rider; and Universal bought the screen rights for Hulk and Namor the Submariner.

Although all these are Marvel comicbook characters, the fact that different studios own the movie rights makes crossovers less likely.

The problem is, it us up to Sony and Fox's discretion to even allow a cameo, and why would they give a hand to some of their biggest competition? At the end of the day all of these decisions are business ones. No matter how much the fans would dig it, Sony and Fox haven't been co-operative in the past so they're unlikely to change now. Sorry to bust the bubble folks, it appears that Spidey will be a lone wolf for quite some time.

Tape Deck Tuesdays

The current posting schedule for this site means that this entry should be part of "Trailer Tuesdays", where I post a link to a relatively new movie trailer and mention my thoughts about it. The problem was, that I watch trailers so often that I don't think one a week is enough, so what's a guy to do?

It's pretty bare-bones at the moment, but IGTM (this site), now has a sister-project called "Parked Trailers". The pun is pretty terrible, but the best ones usually are. I'll try to pop the reviews on there on a daily basis, and if you like trailers definitely check it out as it grows over the next few weeks.

So what am I going to do with the Tuesday slot then? Well let's go back to alliteration land for inspiration shall we? *looks at "Words Starting With 'T'" on Google*. Well, without further ado I introduce my newest feature: Tape Deck Tuesdays.

Basically, I will pick some random piece of nostalgia to remind everyone of, and talk about how awesome/terrible/terribly awesome it is. The entry for this week: Rod Sterling's narrations from The Twilight Zone.



If you're unfamiliar do yourself a favor, stop what you're doing, and familiarize yourself with The Twilight Zone right away. I will maintain that not only was it the best show on television at the time, but the best show ever created. It was a great platform for science-fiction stories to reach a wide audience, and provided some of the most hilariously badass lines of narration in history. Here are some great examples:

Portrait of a town drunk named Al Denton. This is a man who's begun his dying early—a long agonizing route through a maze of bottles. Al Denton, who would probably give an arm or a leg or a part of his soul to have another chance, to be able to rise up and shake the dirt from his body and the bad dreams that infest his consciousness. In the parlance of the times, this is a peddler, a rather fanciful-looking little man in a black frock coat. And this is the third principal character of our story. (a gun appears) Its function? Perhaps to give Mister Al Denton his second chance.


Commonplace, if somewhat grim, unsocial event known as a necktie party. The guest of dishonor a cowboy named Joe Caswell, just a moment away from a rope, a short dance several feet off the ground, and then the dark eternity of all evil men. Mr. Joe Caswell, who, when the good Lord passed out a conscience, a heart, a feeling for fellow men, must have been out for a beer and missed out. Mr. Joe Caswell, in the last quiet moment of a violent life.

Clown. Hobo. Ballet Dancer. Bagpiper. And an Army Major. A collection of question marks. Five improbable entities stuck together into a pit of darkness. No logic, no reason, no explanation. Just a prolonged nightmare in which fear, loneliness, and the unexplainable walk hand in hand through the shadows. In a moment, we'll start collecting clues as to the whys, the whats, and the wheres. We will not end the nightmare, we'll only explain it, because this is the Twilight Zone.

Seriously, what's not to love?

What Do You Know? I Guess I Have A Thing For Redheads

On this edition of Monday Maidens, I decided to kick things up a notch and stay true to the 's' at the end of the title (this means I will discuss two ladies, not just one). The other reason I decided to talk about these two specifically is because I only found out about the one by assuming she was the other.

The first maiden today is none other than Ginnifer Goodwin. Known for her roles on TV's Big Love and the movie She's Just Not That Into You, she manages to come off as a genuine sweetheart that's incredibly cute too.

I recently watched a little movie called Idiocracy and I noticed what I thought was Ginnifer Goodwin with an uncharacteristic amount of cleavage. It turned out that this was none other than Sara Rue, who used to be the star of Less Than Perfect and also happened to be on Will and Grace and The Big Bang Theory for a couple episodes. Since then it appears that she has lost a little bit of weight, but still maintains quite the curvy figure, which I'm certainly not complaining about. Any actress with an ample bosom is good in my books, mostly because I have stock in bra companies.... mostly.

Pixels: Little Boxes of Awesome

Although it's been out for a while now (and tweeted about constantly), I only watched Pixels recently. To those of you who aren't hip enough to already know, it's a short film about a bunch of video game sprites attacking New York. What else could you ask for?

In addition to a pretty sweet concept, the whole thing is executed brilliantly. The last time I enjoyed two and a half minutes this much, a drunk shooter girl confused me for her boyfriend. The whole thing is an amazingly executed combination of nostalgia, destruction, and nerdity. Check it out or go to hell.

Lizard with Two Penises Draws Criticism... From Me

Once in a while, you spot a news headline that you know you MUST read. This impulse doesn't really strike me too often (after all, reading is for suckers), but it did strike me today. "Scientists find new species of lizard with double penis". Admit it, you want to learn more too. Well, lets go through this one together shall we?

Scientists have discovered a species of giant lizard as long as a full-grown man is tall and endowed with a double penis.

Wait, so not only does this thing have two cocks, but it's man-size? Are the cocks proportional? How come this stuff wasn't covered in Avatar? Can we refer to this thing as being "dual-penised"?

The secretive but brightly-coloured beast, a monitor lizard, is a close cousin of the Komodo Dragon of Indonesia. Unlike the fearsome Dragon, it is not a carnivore, nor does it feast on rotting meat. Instead, it is entirely peaceable and tucks into fruit.

I dislike the idea of something with two dicks being "peaceable". That word doesn't have nearly enough testosterone.

The species is almost certainly critically endangered, and might well have disappeared entirely without ever being catalogued had a large male specimen not been rescued alive from a hunter last June.

Endangered? The thing has two penises! He should be filling more holes than a caulking gun. Hehe, caulk.

The lizard has unique markings and an unusual sexual anatomy, according to the study.
Its scaly body and legs are a blue-black mottled with pale yellow-green dots, while its tail is marked in alternating segments of black and green. Males have a double penis, called hemipenes, also found in some snakes and other lizards.

Isn't a snake with two penises really just a stick figure with no arms?

The two penises are often used in alternation, and sometimes contain spines or hooks that serve to anchor the male within the female during intercourse.

Holy hell that has to be painful, maybe that's where the idea for that strap-on in Se7en came from.

One reason that the new lizard has gone undetected, the researchers speculate, is that it never leaves the forests of its native Sierra Madre mountains to traverse open spaces.

What? Oh sorry I stopped listening once it got boring again. Well, that was it mostly. I cut out some of the extended parts I really couldn't give two-shits about, but I linked to the whole article at the top so if you really care check it out.

Well, that was informative. I learned that snakes and lizards can be way more awesome than I previously assumed; I learned that snakes have penises and don't just tip their tails into lady snakes; and most importantly I learned that even things overloading with cock can still be pussified enough to be vegetarians.

"Dustin Winesberry's Signature Mug Shot Pose Can't Help but Impress"

Well, I realized that I'm kind of an idiot and making a weekly post linking to just one site is kind of silly. I mean really, how much could I possibly write about another article before I'm just grasping for filler.

In the spirit of net-philanthropy, Friday Link Outs will now be a collection of five links, as opposed to me blathering about one when you can easily just click and read it yourself. So without further ado:



1) Dustin Winesberry's Signature Mug Shot Pose Can't Help but Impress (Asylum)

2) Option This Now: Dolphinf*cker, The Movie (FilmDrunk)

3) Lessons Learned from a White Guy Watching Tyler Perry Movies (Unreality)

4) Underachieving AT-ATs: An Informative Chart (NerdBastards)

5) Different Types of Drunk, Starring Lindsay Lohan (Milkin' It)

"Maybe I just like saying the word 'succulents'."

Thursday Twittles 04/08/2010



1)@michaelianblack: Dear pollen, fuck you.

2)@thdavishorror: I think I might start calling everyone "baby" ... Though, I'm sure I can come up with something more profound and deep. Like inamorata.

3)@The_Meserve: Ah Thursday you are almost Friday. You're like Fridays chubby friend, you're to good to make out with, but Friday puts out.

4)@AristotlesGirl: NEW RULE: If you stare at my boobs when you talk to me. Then I *squint* at your crotch.

5)@PotatoFilm: Random fact: I have several cactus plants in my apartment. I like them. Maybe I just like saying the word "succulents".

Craig Robinson: The New White Man's Black Friend

Every couple of years, Hollywood informally designates one black guy to be the token friend in every movie, (For women, it's just always Wanda Sykes). These guys rarely have the star power for leading roles, and end up playing second fiddles to the Seth Rogans, Will Ferrels, and even Zach Braffs of this world. Thankfully, it seems that a new contender is on the horizon, and this motherfucker has the talent to actually make it on his own. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing everyone's favorite new black friend: Craig Robinson.

If you've seen a trailer in the last year, you know who Craig Robinson in. The guy has been in eleven movies since 2007, and to say that he consistently steals the show in an understatement. Hell he had EVERY good line from Zack and Miri Make a Porno AND Miss March. Half of these terrible movies he's in are only worth seeing for his minimal presence.

As good as he is in limited portions, I would still like to see Craig headline a mainstream comedy, as long as it isn't made by Tyler Perry or something. The man is one of the funniest people on the planet, and if mainstream media lets Chris Rock make terrible movies every couple of years but still forgive him, I don't see what's wrong with giving Craig Robinson a crack at greatness. It can't be worse than Down to Earth or Head of State after all.

Trailer Tuesdays: The Expendables

I know I'm late on writing about this one, but I did only get around to watching it today and boy did it deliver. I'm not sure if Stallone handled this trailer personally (his John Rambo trailer left me hard for weeks), but whoever did knew exactly how to get people excited for this flick: the greatest action cast ever assembled.

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, the dad from Everyone Hates Chris, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Danny Trejo all in one place? Did a steroid factory explode or something? I dare say this movie has more balls than Taken mixed with The Godfather.

This could be the worst movie ever made, but I will always support throwback action flicks like this. Stallone accurately suspects that the movie-going public is thirsty for the badass qualities of action flicks from the 80s and 90s. Let's hope the man delivers yet again.

Maiden Mondays: Amanda Bynes

Well, I realized that it is time for yet another format change. Firstly, having a Monday Rant and a Wednesday Pop Culture diatribe doesn't make much sense, since most of my Monday Rants are likely to be pop culture related anyway. So from here on out, Wednesdays will now be Pop Culture Rants, and Mondays will be...

That's the dilemma isn't it. I decided to solve the problem how I solve most of my problems, by Googling the phrase "words that start with m" (I like alliteration). This brought me to the idea of Macho Monday (although that would basically just parallel Things of Awesome Day).

In the end I settled on Maiden Monday, where I will pick a celebrity crush of sorts and write a little profile on her. She can be a character or actress, and if you don't agree that's great since that's less competition for me. So without further ado, the first entry for Maiden Monday: Amanda Bynes.



Amanda Bynes is one of those rare women that skillfully combines hilariousness with cuteness, and still ended up a total babe. I've been a fan since the early days of The Amanda Show and What I Like About You, and with the exception of Lovewrecked thought her movies were lul-inducing.

Rumors abound about her lately from her involvement with rapper Drake, to her questionably lengthly absence from television and movie screens. She got a nice push after being a back-to-back cover girl on Cosmo and then Maxim, and it's only a matter of time before she's back in she spotlight.

That or she's totally fallen into obscurity, which would rule since it would make it easier for me to pick her up broken and desperate.

PS: Tuesdays will also now be Trailer Tuesdays, where new movie Trailers will be discussed. I told you, I like alliteration.

Rowdy Roddy's Radioactive Rampage

Only recently did I discover the joy that can be found from the films of Rowdy Roddy Piper, and boy have I been missing out. This man understands exactly what his audience came to see, and rarely disappoints on cheesy delivery.

Although They Live has a certain terrible charm, my B-movie heart will always belong to a little movie called Hell Comes to Frogtown. Roddy stars as Sam Hell, the last fertile man in a world suffering from nuclear war and sterility, and it is up to him to... well I guess knock up ladies.

The movie knows exactly how ridiculous it is the whole way through, and that type of self-realization is always charming. Sam Hell is strapped up with exploding underwear, a back-up team of sexy ladies, and sent into Frogtown (the mutant zone) to rescue a group of captured girls in skimpy outfits. Along the way he meets a crazy old coot, and there are sweet references to memorable moments from science-fiction history. If you like cheesy flicks, the movie is certainly worth checking out.

PS: There are boobs in it, but only for a little.

Pheasants Banned from Phucking

In an effort to keep crazy bird diseases under control, it appears that somewhere in the UK, ministers are preventing pheasants from mating. I'm sure the article I linked to in interesting (actually I read it, not really that informative), but what intrigues me about all this isn't the news itself, but the hilarious scenarios I imagine for enforcing this crazy law.

Is it a small codpiece? Do they just keep them in enclosed areas? Can't these things fly? Can they mate in the air? How is this really helping to monitor for disease? Is avian flu a bird STD?

Yeah, people are pissy about this because it will cause job losses in the pheasant mating industry, but I'm sure their feathery powers of seduction can be useful elsewhere. Aren't penguins endangered or something? We should get them fooling around more. Or if pheasants can't fly, just replace them with penguins. It will be like hunting a miniature James Bond, just without the cheap-ass gadgets.

Link Out: The Timeless Wisdom of Magnum P.I.

Since this is the first edition of one of my Friday Link Out posts, I suppose I'll explain the format a little bit.

1) I find a link on a blog or website I enjoy.
2) I share it with you fine people that follow this blog.
3) ???
4) Profit

My first link out goes to a little post at Sloshspot.com which features a collection of quotes from everyone's favorite Hawaiian detective. Warning: There is a distinct lack of Higgins.

Oh Thursday Twittles, You're So Formulaic

This is the first post of "Thursday Twittles", so I figured I should explain it a bit. Basically, I take five of the funniest tweets I saw within the last day, and post them for the world to share in the lulz.

1) @Losthighway : wow that was a truly horrible film. "Supervan" was vancraptic.

2) @deadlydolls : sometimes I wonder why I still watch America's Next Top Model. Then Mr. Jay dresses like Neo and it all comes back

3) @CrankyKaplan : T.S. ELIOT CAN BLOW ME. (Added hilarity because it was retweeted by Ebert)

4) @JoshMalina : I'm experiencing male pattern oldness.

5) @reverendadam : @MrCraigBierko I took your advice and got a comic. Unfortunately, it was Dane Cook and frankly I'm having buyer's remorse.

Ahahahaha, hilarious... well, at least chuckle-inducing.