Craig Robinson: The New White Man's Black Friend

Every couple of years, Hollywood informally designates one black guy to be the token friend in every movie, (For women, it's just always Wanda Sykes). These guys rarely have the star power for leading roles, and end up playing second fiddles to the Seth Rogans, Will Ferrels, and even Zach Braffs of this world. Thankfully, it seems that a new contender is on the horizon, and this motherfucker has the talent to actually make it on his own. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing everyone's favorite new black friend: Craig Robinson.

If you've seen a trailer in the last year, you know who Craig Robinson in. The guy has been in eleven movies since 2007, and to say that he consistently steals the show in an understatement. Hell he had EVERY good line from Zack and Miri Make a Porno AND Miss March. Half of these terrible movies he's in are only worth seeing for his minimal presence.

As good as he is in limited portions, I would still like to see Craig headline a mainstream comedy, as long as it isn't made by Tyler Perry or something. The man is one of the funniest people on the planet, and if mainstream media lets Chris Rock make terrible movies every couple of years but still forgive him, I don't see what's wrong with giving Craig Robinson a crack at greatness. It can't be worse than Down to Earth or Head of State after all.

Maiden Mondays: Amanda Bynes

Well, I realized that it is time for yet another format change. Firstly, having a Monday Rant and a Wednesday Pop Culture diatribe doesn't make much sense, since most of my Monday Rants are likely to be pop culture related anyway. So from here on out, Wednesdays will now be Pop Culture Rants, and Mondays will be...

That's the dilemma isn't it. I decided to solve the problem how I solve most of my problems, by Googling the phrase "words that start with m" (I like alliteration). This brought me to the idea of Macho Monday (although that would basically just parallel Things of Awesome Day).

In the end I settled on Maiden Monday, where I will pick a celebrity crush of sorts and write a little profile on her. She can be a character or actress, and if you don't agree that's great since that's less competition for me. So without further ado, the first entry for Maiden Monday: Amanda Bynes.



Amanda Bynes is one of those rare women that skillfully combines hilariousness with cuteness, and still ended up a total babe. I've been a fan since the early days of The Amanda Show and What I Like About You, and with the exception of Lovewrecked thought her movies were lul-inducing.

Rumors abound about her lately from her involvement with rapper Drake, to her questionably lengthly absence from television and movie screens. She got a nice push after being a back-to-back cover girl on Cosmo and then Maxim, and it's only a matter of time before she's back in she spotlight.

That or she's totally fallen into obscurity, which would rule since it would make it easier for me to pick her up broken and desperate.

PS: Tuesdays will also now be Trailer Tuesdays, where new movie Trailers will be discussed. I told you, I like alliteration.

Where are the Women of Late Night?

As a general rule I don't like most reality shows. I'm a pretty busy dude and if I have enough time to sit down and watch something, I'd never opt for seeing the home life of some washed-up celebrity clinging to fame. But hey, that's just me.

Now, if the show followed around a miss Scarlett Johansson or Amanda Bynes, that's another story. Maybe a whole show is too much, I mean how often can I watch Scarlett buy chest wax for Ryan Reynolds? Maybe a talk show would be good, when was the last time there was a female late night talk show host?

If you think about it, the daytime television market is dominated by female hosts, where are their late night counterparts? It would have to be someone intelligent, and just as quick witted as their guests. Scarlett could probably do a decent job, you don't marry someone like Ryan Reynolds without being able to carry conversation with a funny celebrity. Natalie Portman could probably hold her own too.

One could make the argument that there aren't as many female comedians, but there are lots if people are willing to look deep enough. I listen to quite a few podcasts and although the female guests are rare, they're usually really great. I think it's time we got a female late night host, someone with a real personality about them. Hell, Arsenio Hall had his own show, can't be that hard.

That's Not Robin Hood, Where's The Tights?

Where the hell was I when Russell Crowe became such a major draw? Gladiator was a decent flick, but I can think of tons of actors that deserve more recognition. Guy Pearce is one, Clive Owen used to be one before he lost the ability to say no to terrible scripts, and Ed Harris is one. Sure, he gets paid some dues once in a while, but not nearly enough.

Many of my friends are outright shocked that I'm not excited about the new Robin Hood movie. Why should I be? Where are all these masses screaming for Robin Hood to get the Batman Begins treatment, (Gritty+Realism=Good). What aspect of Robin Hood lore can really benefit from the limitations of reality and physics?

I've probably touched on this in other posts, but this Hollywood trend to play everything straight is not the answer for every single reboot, especially for such an over-the-top character like Robin Hood. What's next, a remake of Rocky Horror played straight as a sci-fi epic?

So why am I not pumped for Robin Hood? To me this doesn't look like Robin Hood, it looks like "British Archer: The Movie". Also, Russell Crowe has never managed to impress me. I know he's got Oscars and stuff, but I've given him enough chances. Fuck Russell Crowe.

Oh Tyson, Is There Anything You Won't Do

If it wasn't already obvious that Mike Tyson lost his mind, the man is currently drawing heat from PETA about his new reality show. As it turns out, Mike has raised pigeons all of his life (what?), and the show will follow him on his journey through the world of pigeon racing (what?).

Alright, so Mike's raised pigeons all his life. I guess that makes sense, I mean how else do the tigers stay fed? What I want to know, is what nutcase gave this show idea the go-ahead?

A reality show about the world of pigeon racing? Are they not even trying anymore? The sad part is that a quality program probably got the boot to make room for this nonsense, just because a big name is attached.

In addition to PETA's outrage about Mike Tyson being responsible for the well being of a flying rat, it seems they're also concerned that the animals will be exploited for the purposes of gambling. Look PETA, the kind of people who will bet on Mike Tyson's pigeon races are not the type of people you should be worrying about. I'd be more concerned about all those Avatar nerds that are strangely attracted to giant cats.

Tainted Siblings of the Famous

We've seen them around. Actually, we probably haven't since we barely know what they look like, but we've heard their names... on occasion. I'm talking about the brothers and sisters of the famous, the sort of people we know about but don't consider true celebrities because most people feel they typically don't "deserve" the fame. Well to most people, on the behalf of people living in shadows everywhere I say screw that! In most cases, these one-note cast-asides are talented in their own right, or at least have a human quality about them that is sometimes lacking their counterparts. Frank Stallone smiles, when was the last time Sly stopped killing long enough to smile?

People either remember Casey Affleck as that guy who shows up once in a while and talks in kind of a funny voice, or as Ben's brother. The dude has been in some decent flicks, and by now should be getting a lot more recognition for his performances. Charlie Murphy is still funny now, and Eddie hasn't made me laugh since Bowfinger. People like to forget about the non-Alec Baldwins, but Stephen has cracked me up and the fat one in John Carpenter's Vampires still gets the job done.

Where is the love for these people? Half of the time they're forced to deal with the paparazzi nonsense their siblings are used to, at one hell of a reduced paycheck, and they get none of the glory. Sure, the Estevez/Sheen household has three separate spotlights, but these types of families are more exception than rule.

There is a third Manning brother that isn't an NFL quarterback. How much must it such to be that guy? No one even knows his name, he's just the non-football one. Well, I'm going to dedicate the next paragraph of this blog post to give him a little bit of attention for once.

Cooper Manning is the oldest brother and the only one without his own separate Wikipedia page. A Google search led me to an article about him, but I couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing so I just skimmed it. I think he's a stock guy or something, and might be involved with some type of energy company. I think it also mentioned that he was known for his sense of humor around the office, but is respected as a quality worker.

You know what, fuck Cooper Manning. Fuck Eric Roberts too, something about that guy really rubs me the wrong way. Plus, Batman doesn't trust him and he's generally good about this sort of thing.

South Park Really Is Fantastic

Only now did I catch the newest episode of South Park, and I got to say it is shaping up like another solid season. It wasn't anything spectacular, but did have moments and an overall point that I agreed with, we really need to stop treating these infidelities like they're anything special.

They're using Obama in a good way, and the entire alien wizard bit really hit the nail on the head, especially since all of this Jesse James / Sandra Bullock crap started too. The main problem I have with all of this nonsense, is that there's more important things going on in the world right now than this sort of gossip, but it's all that dominates the news.

I think I'm just fed up that there are so many fascinating things to learn about and discuss in this world, from history to things that effect our daily lives. I don't want to know the names of Tiger Woods' mistresses, or even who the hell Snooki is. It's one thing if I'm seeking out this nonsense, but I never watch any reality shows and avoid TMZ and all that stuff, so still knowing so much about these people who don't deserve my attention is infuriating to say the least.

We got to take back the news! Or at least get them to show reports about kids huffing shit that's been swimming in piss to get high. Those specials always crack me up.

Twittle Me This Batman

It took me a while to get on the Twitter band-wagon. Something about it just seemed weird and lame, why would I want to read when random people are going to the grocery store, or their inability to find a spot in the hospital parking lot. Plus, my cell phone is almost ten years old so I wasn't even sure it was equipped for tweeting.

As it turns out, you can be part of Twitter just by registering on the site. You don't have to use it from a mobile phone, but it would allow you more of an "instant access", which is the appeal of Twitter to begin with.

For me, the real draw comes from having an "unfiltered" look at some of my favorite celebrities, and having access to a plethora of hilarious one-liners. It seems tacky to follow the mundane observations of people just because they're famous, but that's why you need to filter them appropriately.

Comedians are great to follow because they're not only used to writing hilarious one-liners, but they're usually much more candid then other celebrities because no one takes them seriously to begin with.

It may seem incredibly lame, but Twitter is a great way to kill a couple minutes and read the random thoughts of people you find interesting. There is more than just following the observations of famous people, if you look hard enough there are tons of quality users putting out fantastic content that are just regular joes.

So many people are on Twitter these days, that you can customize your account to follow certain types of users. You can follow those who tweet hilarious things, those who tweet important news items, or even people who focus on motivational messages. Basically, Twitter is pretty sweet and if you're selective enough with your following list, constantly full of high quality observations or links.

Shove Those Scissorhands Right Up Your...

Deep down, maybe no one likes Tim Burton.

I don't hate all of his movies. Edward Scissorhands hit that mix of quirky but cute right on the head, Ed Wood is one of my all time favorite movies, Sleepy Hollow was handled in that realistic way which actually made it work, and Big Fish was pretty good. Nothing else from his body of work ever meshed well with me, and most of it just feels really pretentious.

The worst part of Tim Burton is the persona he puts forward, that quirky artsy guy who likes to put this modern-gothic spin on things. His movies are treated like major film events, "The New Movie From Tim Burton", but a great portion of his career has been made from bastardizing other people's ideas into his messed up fantasies.



He keeps making adaptations and remakes, even though his best works are generally taken from original ideas. I'll respect that the man has certain gifts and a signature style, but he gets far too much attention, especially for movies which he was only a producer for.

I guess it's not really Tim Burton that I hate, as much as his fanbase. Then again, his persona encourages this type of rabid following so fuck Tim Burton.

Good Luck Jay

This is probably going to date me horribly, but ever since I first saw him on Popular Mechanics for Kids I've been a big fan of Jay Baruchel. He was the funny foil to Elisha Cuthbert's amazing hotness, and I usually found him the more informative of the pair (I was always younger than her so it's not creepy. Well, it might be but I'm fairly certain it's not illegal or anything).

I was even one of those rare individuals that watched Undeclared as it came on television, even though I had never even heard of Freaks and Geeks at the time. The kid has always been a fantastic second-fiddle with great delivery, and even though his sitcom didn't do well, he looks as though he's getting another couple shots at leading glory. The problem is all of his upcoming movies look outright terrible and will probably kill his career.

It's pretty hard to avoid all of the advertising around She's Out of My League, but also coming out soon are The Trotsky and The Sorcerer's Apprentice. If you have a couple minutes to kill I recommend finding the trailers, if only to witness many terrible Hollywood mistakes likes to roll into a glorious mess.

The concept for The Trotsky is incredibly narrow and one that will certainly have no mainstream appeal. The Sorcerer's Apprentice looks like it could have been a neat kid's movie, apparently that Percy Jackson stuff is doing okay, but Nicolas Cage has a way of delivering when it comes to copious amounts of terrible. The one with all the advertising, She's Out of My League, doesn't look too bad. Actually several of the trailer lines gave me a chuckle. My fear is that this seems like one of those concepts that is difficult to stretch into a whole movie without giving us things we've seen a million times before.

I like Jay Baruchel, and I really want these movies to do well since I want to see him in more, but this is definitely a make or break year for him. If all three of these movies only get a mediocre reception, I'll have to wait another five years until they give him a shot again. This is just Clive Owen all over again, the man has had some great performances in awesome flicks, but that one year he put out three or four loads of crap and we've barely seen him since.