Craig Robinson: The New White Man's Black Friend

Every couple of years, Hollywood informally designates one black guy to be the token friend in every movie, (For women, it's just always Wanda Sykes). These guys rarely have the star power for leading roles, and end up playing second fiddles to the Seth Rogans, Will Ferrels, and even Zach Braffs of this world. Thankfully, it seems that a new contender is on the horizon, and this motherfucker has the talent to actually make it on his own. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing everyone's favorite new black friend: Craig Robinson.

If you've seen a trailer in the last year, you know who Craig Robinson in. The guy has been in eleven movies since 2007, and to say that he consistently steals the show in an understatement. Hell he had EVERY good line from Zack and Miri Make a Porno AND Miss March. Half of these terrible movies he's in are only worth seeing for his minimal presence.

As good as he is in limited portions, I would still like to see Craig headline a mainstream comedy, as long as it isn't made by Tyler Perry or something. The man is one of the funniest people on the planet, and if mainstream media lets Chris Rock make terrible movies every couple of years but still forgive him, I don't see what's wrong with giving Craig Robinson a crack at greatness. It can't be worse than Down to Earth or Head of State after all.

Trailer Tuesdays: The Expendables

I know I'm late on writing about this one, but I did only get around to watching it today and boy did it deliver. I'm not sure if Stallone handled this trailer personally (his John Rambo trailer left me hard for weeks), but whoever did knew exactly how to get people excited for this flick: the greatest action cast ever assembled.

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, the dad from Everyone Hates Chris, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Danny Trejo all in one place? Did a steroid factory explode or something? I dare say this movie has more balls than Taken mixed with The Godfather.

This could be the worst movie ever made, but I will always support throwback action flicks like this. Stallone accurately suspects that the movie-going public is thirsty for the badass qualities of action flicks from the 80s and 90s. Let's hope the man delivers yet again.

Maiden Mondays: Amanda Bynes

Well, I realized that it is time for yet another format change. Firstly, having a Monday Rant and a Wednesday Pop Culture diatribe doesn't make much sense, since most of my Monday Rants are likely to be pop culture related anyway. So from here on out, Wednesdays will now be Pop Culture Rants, and Mondays will be...

That's the dilemma isn't it. I decided to solve the problem how I solve most of my problems, by Googling the phrase "words that start with m" (I like alliteration). This brought me to the idea of Macho Monday (although that would basically just parallel Things of Awesome Day).

In the end I settled on Maiden Monday, where I will pick a celebrity crush of sorts and write a little profile on her. She can be a character or actress, and if you don't agree that's great since that's less competition for me. So without further ado, the first entry for Maiden Monday: Amanda Bynes.



Amanda Bynes is one of those rare women that skillfully combines hilariousness with cuteness, and still ended up a total babe. I've been a fan since the early days of The Amanda Show and What I Like About You, and with the exception of Lovewrecked thought her movies were lul-inducing.

Rumors abound about her lately from her involvement with rapper Drake, to her questionably lengthly absence from television and movie screens. She got a nice push after being a back-to-back cover girl on Cosmo and then Maxim, and it's only a matter of time before she's back in she spotlight.

That or she's totally fallen into obscurity, which would rule since it would make it easier for me to pick her up broken and desperate.

PS: Tuesdays will also now be Trailer Tuesdays, where new movie Trailers will be discussed. I told you, I like alliteration.

Rowdy Roddy's Radioactive Rampage

Only recently did I discover the joy that can be found from the films of Rowdy Roddy Piper, and boy have I been missing out. This man understands exactly what his audience came to see, and rarely disappoints on cheesy delivery.

Although They Live has a certain terrible charm, my B-movie heart will always belong to a little movie called Hell Comes to Frogtown. Roddy stars as Sam Hell, the last fertile man in a world suffering from nuclear war and sterility, and it is up to him to... well I guess knock up ladies.

The movie knows exactly how ridiculous it is the whole way through, and that type of self-realization is always charming. Sam Hell is strapped up with exploding underwear, a back-up team of sexy ladies, and sent into Frogtown (the mutant zone) to rescue a group of captured girls in skimpy outfits. Along the way he meets a crazy old coot, and there are sweet references to memorable moments from science-fiction history. If you like cheesy flicks, the movie is certainly worth checking out.

PS: There are boobs in it, but only for a little.

Pheasants Banned from Phucking

In an effort to keep crazy bird diseases under control, it appears that somewhere in the UK, ministers are preventing pheasants from mating. I'm sure the article I linked to in interesting (actually I read it, not really that informative), but what intrigues me about all this isn't the news itself, but the hilarious scenarios I imagine for enforcing this crazy law.

Is it a small codpiece? Do they just keep them in enclosed areas? Can't these things fly? Can they mate in the air? How is this really helping to monitor for disease? Is avian flu a bird STD?

Yeah, people are pissy about this because it will cause job losses in the pheasant mating industry, but I'm sure their feathery powers of seduction can be useful elsewhere. Aren't penguins endangered or something? We should get them fooling around more. Or if pheasants can't fly, just replace them with penguins. It will be like hunting a miniature James Bond, just without the cheap-ass gadgets.

Link Out: The Timeless Wisdom of Magnum P.I.

Since this is the first edition of one of my Friday Link Out posts, I suppose I'll explain the format a little bit.

1) I find a link on a blog or website I enjoy.
2) I share it with you fine people that follow this blog.
3) ???
4) Profit

My first link out goes to a little post at Sloshspot.com which features a collection of quotes from everyone's favorite Hawaiian detective. Warning: There is a distinct lack of Higgins.

Oh Thursday Twittles, You're So Formulaic

This is the first post of "Thursday Twittles", so I figured I should explain it a bit. Basically, I take five of the funniest tweets I saw within the last day, and post them for the world to share in the lulz.

1) @Losthighway : wow that was a truly horrible film. "Supervan" was vancraptic.

2) @deadlydolls : sometimes I wonder why I still watch America's Next Top Model. Then Mr. Jay dresses like Neo and it all comes back

3) @CrankyKaplan : T.S. ELIOT CAN BLOW ME. (Added hilarity because it was retweeted by Ebert)

4) @JoshMalina : I'm experiencing male pattern oldness.

5) @reverendadam : @MrCraigBierko I took your advice and got a comic. Unfortunately, it was Dane Cook and frankly I'm having buyer's remorse.

Ahahahaha, hilarious... well, at least chuckle-inducing.