Where are the Women of Late Night?

As a general rule I don't like most reality shows. I'm a pretty busy dude and if I have enough time to sit down and watch something, I'd never opt for seeing the home life of some washed-up celebrity clinging to fame. But hey, that's just me.

Now, if the show followed around a miss Scarlett Johansson or Amanda Bynes, that's another story. Maybe a whole show is too much, I mean how often can I watch Scarlett buy chest wax for Ryan Reynolds? Maybe a talk show would be good, when was the last time there was a female late night talk show host?

If you think about it, the daytime television market is dominated by female hosts, where are their late night counterparts? It would have to be someone intelligent, and just as quick witted as their guests. Scarlett could probably do a decent job, you don't marry someone like Ryan Reynolds without being able to carry conversation with a funny celebrity. Natalie Portman could probably hold her own too.

One could make the argument that there aren't as many female comedians, but there are lots if people are willing to look deep enough. I listen to quite a few podcasts and although the female guests are rare, they're usually really great. I think it's time we got a female late night host, someone with a real personality about them. Hell, Arsenio Hall had his own show, can't be that hard.

Everything's Better With Strippers!

Well I finally got back into writing my horrible attempt at a novel, and this session resulted in two major changes in the story:

1) My private investigator is literally going insane.

2) I've introduced a stripper informant.

I know the ideas aren't exactly new, but I'm only doing this for fun so I don't care. The insanity is fun because now if I write myself into a corner, I can just use a heaping case of the crazies to let myself out.

Also, since I haven't read good mystery books in a while, I've decided to implement some Raymond Chandler reading in the bathroom, hopefully some of his talent for metaphor will rub off on me faster than a Cheetah on coke.

That's Not Robin Hood, Where's The Tights?

Where the hell was I when Russell Crowe became such a major draw? Gladiator was a decent flick, but I can think of tons of actors that deserve more recognition. Guy Pearce is one, Clive Owen used to be one before he lost the ability to say no to terrible scripts, and Ed Harris is one. Sure, he gets paid some dues once in a while, but not nearly enough.

Many of my friends are outright shocked that I'm not excited about the new Robin Hood movie. Why should I be? Where are all these masses screaming for Robin Hood to get the Batman Begins treatment, (Gritty+Realism=Good). What aspect of Robin Hood lore can really benefit from the limitations of reality and physics?

I've probably touched on this in other posts, but this Hollywood trend to play everything straight is not the answer for every single reboot, especially for such an over-the-top character like Robin Hood. What's next, a remake of Rocky Horror played straight as a sci-fi epic?

So why am I not pumped for Robin Hood? To me this doesn't look like Robin Hood, it looks like "British Archer: The Movie". Also, Russell Crowe has never managed to impress me. I know he's got Oscars and stuff, but I've given him enough chances. Fuck Russell Crowe.

Sunday Bloody Sunday, Now With More Zombies!

I'm a simple man. I like my cheese melted, my drinks strong, and my games simplistic. Safe to say, it took me almost no time at all to fall in love with Infectonator: World Dominator.

The game has a classic look about it (good NES/bad SNES), and operates on a simple "click the screen, win eventually" framework. As long as you keep playing you can't really lose, just win less quickly. Each attempt at a level still earns you some money to buy upgrades, and once everything is maxed out it is impossible to actually lose. Upgrades for what? Oh, just to make your army of bloodthirsty zombies even more merciless.

Once a city is selected, you select a "ground-zero" for the virus, and watch the feathers fly in a delightfully bloody manner. Eventually you can even unlock special zombies like Colonel Sanders, or even Michael Jackson (he makes all the zombies dance). When the goal of the game is to destroy everyone and everything, there's no better feeling than a screen full of 16-bit blood-splatter.

Oh Tyson, Is There Anything You Won't Do

If it wasn't already obvious that Mike Tyson lost his mind, the man is currently drawing heat from PETA about his new reality show. As it turns out, Mike has raised pigeons all of his life (what?), and the show will follow him on his journey through the world of pigeon racing (what?).

Alright, so Mike's raised pigeons all his life. I guess that makes sense, I mean how else do the tigers stay fed? What I want to know, is what nutcase gave this show idea the go-ahead?

A reality show about the world of pigeon racing? Are they not even trying anymore? The sad part is that a quality program probably got the boot to make room for this nonsense, just because a big name is attached.

In addition to PETA's outrage about Mike Tyson being responsible for the well being of a flying rat, it seems they're also concerned that the animals will be exploited for the purposes of gambling. Look PETA, the kind of people who will bet on Mike Tyson's pigeon races are not the type of people you should be worrying about. I'd be more concerned about all those Avatar nerds that are strangely attracted to giant cats.

Some Format Changes (Like Anyone Cares)

As much as I hate organization and structure, I've decided IGTM needs to operate under a routine. Instead of nonsensical posts whenever I feel like, sometime next week I'll integrate the following format for daily posts (open to suggestions for better names or topics) :

Sunday - Things of Awesome
Monday - Rants
Tuesday - Novel Novelizations
Wednesday - Pop Cultatron
Thursday - Thursday Twittles
Friday - Link Out Friday
Saturday -Animal News Day (Yeah, let's see how long this one will last)

Obviously this isn't set in stone, and I'm thinking of implementing some design changes too, but overall I think this will work for the best. That or cause to go down in flames faster than Air Force One in a disaster movie. Ugh, if that pun is any indication probably the latter.

The Internet, (Why So) Serious Business

I will admit that being on the Internet as much as I am, I feel a little bit detached from "regular folk". Everything on the Internet goes so lightning quick, and I feel I've burned through so much before the average person even finds out about it. I still have friends that are only now finding out the glory of Japanese commercials.

The other day I was casually talking to someone and they asked me what this "digg-thingy" was. Seriously? I can barely fathom a world where people don't at least know what Digg is. The same goes for pedobear and rickrolling. I take these things for granted as assumed knowledge, but the average person has no idea about this sort of stuff. Sometimes it feels almost like I've traveled through time, I mean one of my friends tried telling me a Chuck Norris joke the other day. I half expected him to bust out some POGs next.

There are times that I've tried to give "regular" people some insight on what the Internet really has to offer, but it always falls apart. Heck, if these rubes can't grasp the concept of Twitter, how am I supposed to explain what the hell a demotivational is.

I suppose the scariest part is that I don't even consider myself an Internet guru. Hell, I only found out about that meekakitty chick a couple months ago. There is just so much out there to discover, and it's hard to really grasp how big it all really is.

If there are people who use the Internet on a regular basis and have no idea what the heck podcasts are, I can't even fathom how much there is that I myself haven't found yet. When you sit back and think, it's actually quite intimidating. Thank god it's pretty much just filled with porn and wholly inaccurate movie rumors.

Tainted Siblings of the Famous

We've seen them around. Actually, we probably haven't since we barely know what they look like, but we've heard their names... on occasion. I'm talking about the brothers and sisters of the famous, the sort of people we know about but don't consider true celebrities because most people feel they typically don't "deserve" the fame. Well to most people, on the behalf of people living in shadows everywhere I say screw that! In most cases, these one-note cast-asides are talented in their own right, or at least have a human quality about them that is sometimes lacking their counterparts. Frank Stallone smiles, when was the last time Sly stopped killing long enough to smile?

People either remember Casey Affleck as that guy who shows up once in a while and talks in kind of a funny voice, or as Ben's brother. The dude has been in some decent flicks, and by now should be getting a lot more recognition for his performances. Charlie Murphy is still funny now, and Eddie hasn't made me laugh since Bowfinger. People like to forget about the non-Alec Baldwins, but Stephen has cracked me up and the fat one in John Carpenter's Vampires still gets the job done.

Where is the love for these people? Half of the time they're forced to deal with the paparazzi nonsense their siblings are used to, at one hell of a reduced paycheck, and they get none of the glory. Sure, the Estevez/Sheen household has three separate spotlights, but these types of families are more exception than rule.

There is a third Manning brother that isn't an NFL quarterback. How much must it such to be that guy? No one even knows his name, he's just the non-football one. Well, I'm going to dedicate the next paragraph of this blog post to give him a little bit of attention for once.

Cooper Manning is the oldest brother and the only one without his own separate Wikipedia page. A Google search led me to an article about him, but I couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing so I just skimmed it. I think he's a stock guy or something, and might be involved with some type of energy company. I think it also mentioned that he was known for his sense of humor around the office, but is respected as a quality worker.

You know what, fuck Cooper Manning. Fuck Eric Roberts too, something about that guy really rubs me the wrong way. Plus, Batman doesn't trust him and he's generally good about this sort of thing.

South Park Really Is Fantastic

Only now did I catch the newest episode of South Park, and I got to say it is shaping up like another solid season. It wasn't anything spectacular, but did have moments and an overall point that I agreed with, we really need to stop treating these infidelities like they're anything special.

They're using Obama in a good way, and the entire alien wizard bit really hit the nail on the head, especially since all of this Jesse James / Sandra Bullock crap started too. The main problem I have with all of this nonsense, is that there's more important things going on in the world right now than this sort of gossip, but it's all that dominates the news.

I think I'm just fed up that there are so many fascinating things to learn about and discuss in this world, from history to things that effect our daily lives. I don't want to know the names of Tiger Woods' mistresses, or even who the hell Snooki is. It's one thing if I'm seeking out this nonsense, but I never watch any reality shows and avoid TMZ and all that stuff, so still knowing so much about these people who don't deserve my attention is infuriating to say the least.

We got to take back the news! Or at least get them to show reports about kids huffing shit that's been swimming in piss to get high. Those specials always crack me up.

Cinema Classics? How About You Let Me Decide

For someone that is supposed to know a lot about movies, I realized that I have a terrible taste in them. I think Weekend at Bernie's is one of the greatest movies ever, and would watch it a hundred times over before sitting through The Gold Rush again.

I'm not an idiot though, and I know how important some of these older "classics" are to filmmaking history and the evolution of genres, but that doesn't mean I have to sit through them now and enjoy them because I'm supposed to.

I don't hate all old movies, actually I really love a lot of them. I just don't understand the unconditional love some people have for these flicks, especially if the only justification you can give for liking it is "Well you're supposed to, it's a classic."

If you like a certain movie great, but if you say you like it just because you know you're supposed to, why bother talking about movies at all? You clearly don't have any opinions of your own. When you have the balls to actually express yourself, then we can talk.

Love It or Hate It? I Choose Neither

I remember a time when people were allowed to feel "meh" about things. I didn't have to love or hate a movie, I could just say "it was alright, but made it drag on too much."

I mostly blame the Internet, as it's the primary source of everything pertaining to polarization and anger. There is a very strong, "if you're not with us, you're against" us mentality online, and I'm sorry nothing is that black and white, especially not opinions.

We are humans. We can think, feel, act, and even abuse substances. Why the hell can't I still enjoy something but find flaws with it? I don't really care for the onions on a Whopper, but it is still a fine sandwich. The villain fight at the end of the first Iron Man sucked, but the rest of the movie was pretty entertaining.

I thought Avatar had incredible effects, but a really boring and played-out story. Did I hate the movie? No. Did I love the movie? No. Is the movie decent? I guess it had moments. See what I did there? I exercised my option to neither love, nor hate. People should try it once in a while, they'll find that they're a lot happier when they stop living in a world that only consists of extremes.

This being said, I think Back to the Future III gets way more shit than it deserves, and most things about Harry Potter are mediocre at best.

T2: The Novel Judgment

I recently came into possession of an interesting little artifact, none other than the Terminator 2: Judgment Day novel by Randall Frakes (based on the screenplay by James Cameron & William Wisher).

These types of movie novelizations seem so pointless, but always exist which means they must be at least a little bit profitable. Hell, I even remember having the Men in Black novel after seeing the movie. What the heck was I expecting to gain insight on? Why Zed is so hilarious? More details about those hilarious worms? Whatever the hell that bounty hunter villain from the television show was?

To delve deeper into the curiosity I have about these novels, I decided to read a passage or two. This is the opening:

Sarah Jeanette Connor was driving across a vast and lonely landscape of cacti and sand toward a brooding range of mountains, shadowed by swollen rainclouds. Sheet lightning fired behind them like giant strobes. The promise of a storm was in the air.

Well... that was... much more... "Twilighty" than I remember the movie being. Maybe I'll skip towards some of the more memorable parts. OH, like Sarah Connor's escape maybe?

Sarah's eyes snapped into an alert intensity. She spat the paper clip out onto her chest, then groped for it, awkwardly spreading it open into a straight piece of wire. With slow, painful concentration she moved it toward the lock of the restraints that bound her wrists to the bed. This is not an easy thing to do. But Sarah had taught herself a lot of things in her years of hiding. This was one of them. Handy for getting out of police cuffs, she never thought she'd have to break out of asylum restraints.

Well, I officially give up on this nonsense. Oh what the hell, I have to at least read the end.

"I know now why you cry, although it is something I can never do."

He turned to Sarah and said, "Good-bye."

"Are you afraid?"

There was the briefest instant before he responded. "Yes," he said. Not because he was going to cease functioning as a terminator, but because he had sensed a vision beyond his programming of a cosmic order vast beyond even Skynet's comprehension. And it gave him the sense of his first feeling.

Fear.

Of where he was going next, if anywhere.

Of course, he hadn't been asked for further details on his answer, so he didn't say any of this. He simply turned and stepped off the edge.

As Terminator fell, time stretched, and a flash of light engulfed his mind. He was floating down a tunnel, following the flash of light into something like oblivion.

Or salvation.

Whoa really? God damn what the hell was this guy thinking? This scene wasn't exactly groundbreaking, but c'mon Arnold floating down a tunnel? Last time someone took that much liberty with something, we ended up with a film called Dungeons and Dragons, that had little similarity to the game Dungeons and Dragons, other than the presence of both Dungeons and Dragons.

Long story short this book, which I only skimmed insignificant portions of, doesn't even have "it's so bad it's good value", and I'm one of those sickos that loves the Mario Bros. movie.

Samson is No Hairless Fruit

Today during one of my frequent trips to Wikipedia, I ended up on the article about Samson. Yeah, the Samson and Delilah one. All I knew was that he was super-strong, but a treacherous woman betrayed him and cut his hair leaving him weak as a toddler, and even that I wasn't sure about. Well buckle up ladies and gentleman, cause as it turns out Samson is an action superstar up there with John Matrix and... whatever Cobra's real name was. The italics are direct quotes from the Wikipedia article and I'm going to skip over big chunks of it, so if you're interested just read it yourself slacker.




Requirements were set up by the angel that Manoah's wife (as well as the child himself) were to abstain from all alcoholic beverages, and her promised child was not to shave or cut his hair.

Okay, so he can't cut his hair or drink, where does shit get kicked up a notch?

When he becomes a young adult, Samson leaves the hills of his people to see the cities of the Philistines. While there, Samson falls in love with a Philistine woman from Timnah that, overcoming the objections of his parents who do not know that "it is of the Lord", he decides to marry her. The intended marriage is actually part of God's plan to strike at the Philistines.

Marriage? Where the hell is all the blood I earlier promised? How lame is this nonsense...

On the way to ask for the woman's hand in marriage, Samson is attacked by an Asiatic Lion and simply grabs it and rips it apart, as the spirit of God moves upon him, divinely empowering him.

SAY WHAT!?!?! Samson is a merciless killing machine! Maybe not, but that lion sure got owned.

He continues on to the Philistine's house, winning her hand in marriage. On his way to the wedding, Samson notices that bees have nested in the carcass of the lion and have made honey. He eats a handful of the honey and gives some to his parents.

"Now that I have vanquished the beast, I shall feast upon the sweet spoils of victory." Or at least I hope he said that.

At the wedding-feast, Samson proposes that he tell a riddle to his thirty groomsmen (all Philistines); if they can solve it, he will give them thirty pieces of fine linen and garments. The riddle ("Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet") is a veiled account of his second encounter with the lion (at which only he was present). The Philistines are infuriated by the riddle. The thirty groomsmen tell Samson's new wife that they will burn her and her father's household if she does not discover the answer to the riddle and tell it to them. At the urgent and tearful imploring of his bride, Samson tells her the solution, and she tells it to the thirty groomsmen.

Sure, the riddle idea is sort of a dick move, but his wife is a total bitch for selling her man out like that on day one.

Before sunset on the seventh day they said to him, "What is sweeter than honey? and what is stronger than a lion?" Samson said to them, "If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle."

I'm not sure what the hell any of that dialogue means, but I think Samson figured out that these dudes didn't play fairly. I wonder how he'll react...

He flies into a rage and kills thirty Philistines of Ashkelon for their garments, which he gives his thirty groomsmen.

You'd think there would be an easier way to get clothes, like robbing a store and only killing one dude, but hey Samson is clearly a doer, not a thinker.

Still in a rage, he returns to his father's house, and his bride is given to the best man as his wife. Her father refuses to allow him to see her, and wishes to give Samson the younger sister. Samson attaches torches to the tails of three hundred foxes, leaving the panicked beasts to run through the fields of the Philistines, burning all in their wake.

Are you serious? "You told them the answer to my lion riddle? I'm gonna burn this mother to the ground!"

The Philistines find out why Samson burned their crops, and they burn Samson's wife and father-in-law to death. In revenge, Samson slaughters many more Philistines, smiting them "hip and thigh".

I'm not sure what he was expecting, but at least brother can fly solo without being tied to some treacherous dame.

Samson then takes refuge in a cave in the rock of Etam. An army of Philistines went up and demanded from 3000 men of Judah to deliver them Samson. With Samson's consent, they tie him with two new ropes and are about to hand him over to the Philistines when he breaks free. Using the jawbone of an ass, he slays one thousand Philistines.

"I'll let you capture me, break free anyway, and then slaughter a third of your troops using the jawbone of a donkey, which I presumably also killed with my bare hands."

Later, Samson goes to Gaza, where he stays at a harlot's house. His enemies wait at the gate of the city to ambush him, but he rips the gate up and carries it to "the hill that is in front of Hebron".

"What's that casual whore? You hear noise at the gate? It's alright, I'll just rip the shit out of the ground and show them what's up."

He then falls in love with a woman, Delilah, at the Brook of Sorek.

What the hell bro? Didn't you learn your lesson last time?

The Philistines approach Delilah and induce her (with 1100 silver coins each) to try to find the secret of Samson's strength... Eventually Samson tells Delilah that he will lose his strength with the loss of his hair. Delilah calls for a servant to shave Samson's seven locks.

I guess not.

Since that breaks the Nazarite oath, God leaves him, and Samson is captured by the Philistines, who stab out his eyes with their swords. After being blinded, Samson is brought to Gaza, imprisoned, and put to work grinding grain.

Shame me once... Oh whatever, I'm sure he'll get swift and bloody revenge. This guy is an action movie waiting to happen after all.

One day the Philistine leaders assemble in a temple for a religious sacrifice to Dagon, one of their most important deities, for having delivered Samson into their hands... Once inside the temple, Samson, his hair having grown long again, asks the servant who is leading him to the temple's central pillars if he may lean against them (referring to the pillars)... He pulled the two pillars together, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it.

"I'M NOT TRAPPED HERE WITH YOU, YOU'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH ME!"

"Thus he killed many more as he died than while he lived." (Judges 16:30).

What a badass way to start a eulogy...

After his death, Samson's family recovers his body from the rubble and buries him near the tomb of his father Manoah. The fate of Delilah is never mentioned.

What I want to know is, how come this guy is famous for being hair-dependent when he should be famous for being a biblical Rambo? I might have to actually read the bible one day, these dudes were badass.

At Least Cigarette Companies Are Honest Now

The other day I caught a news special about the dangers of smoking, and the way that even today cigarette manufacturers subconsciously market to kids. Most of the report was bullshit nonsense, or obvious, and in my opinion avoided all of the important questions about tobacco use today.

One of the smoking myths I hate the most is the "cigarettes are just as addictive as heroin" gimmick. I don't care what your fancy science graph says, no junkie ever rolled up on an innocent person in a bad neighborhood and killed them to get money for some smokes. If you go too long without smoking, you don't start vomiting uncontrollably and soiling yourself either.

Another complaint is that flavored cigars, filters, etc, are there only to get kids to smoke. Why do kids have the monopoly on things that taste good? As an adult, if I am choosing to smoke despite knowing all of the harmful side-effects, I think I deserve the option for some flavors. Are we going to get rid of coolers and mixed drinks too, since they come in all sorts of fruity flavors?

Overall though, the thing that bothers me the most is the hypocritical stance that governments take with regards to tobacco. If it is really such a terrible substance, make it illegal like the other hard drugs. If you choose to keep it legal for the obvious tax revenue, just bite the bullet and legalize and tax pot too. To say that tobacco and alcohol are safe enough for the general populace to be legal is one thing, but turning around and saying marijuana is too dangerous to legalize is a complete joke. We just need someone in a position of power to grow some balls and treat the general population like adults.

Twittle Me This Batman

It took me a while to get on the Twitter band-wagon. Something about it just seemed weird and lame, why would I want to read when random people are going to the grocery store, or their inability to find a spot in the hospital parking lot. Plus, my cell phone is almost ten years old so I wasn't even sure it was equipped for tweeting.

As it turns out, you can be part of Twitter just by registering on the site. You don't have to use it from a mobile phone, but it would allow you more of an "instant access", which is the appeal of Twitter to begin with.

For me, the real draw comes from having an "unfiltered" look at some of my favorite celebrities, and having access to a plethora of hilarious one-liners. It seems tacky to follow the mundane observations of people just because they're famous, but that's why you need to filter them appropriately.

Comedians are great to follow because they're not only used to writing hilarious one-liners, but they're usually much more candid then other celebrities because no one takes them seriously to begin with.

It may seem incredibly lame, but Twitter is a great way to kill a couple minutes and read the random thoughts of people you find interesting. There is more than just following the observations of famous people, if you look hard enough there are tons of quality users putting out fantastic content that are just regular joes.

So many people are on Twitter these days, that you can customize your account to follow certain types of users. You can follow those who tweet hilarious things, those who tweet important news items, or even people who focus on motivational messages. Basically, Twitter is pretty sweet and if you're selective enough with your following list, constantly full of high quality observations or links.

Shove Those Scissorhands Right Up Your...

Deep down, maybe no one likes Tim Burton.

I don't hate all of his movies. Edward Scissorhands hit that mix of quirky but cute right on the head, Ed Wood is one of my all time favorite movies, Sleepy Hollow was handled in that realistic way which actually made it work, and Big Fish was pretty good. Nothing else from his body of work ever meshed well with me, and most of it just feels really pretentious.

The worst part of Tim Burton is the persona he puts forward, that quirky artsy guy who likes to put this modern-gothic spin on things. His movies are treated like major film events, "The New Movie From Tim Burton", but a great portion of his career has been made from bastardizing other people's ideas into his messed up fantasies.



He keeps making adaptations and remakes, even though his best works are generally taken from original ideas. I'll respect that the man has certain gifts and a signature style, but he gets far too much attention, especially for movies which he was only a producer for.

I guess it's not really Tim Burton that I hate, as much as his fanbase. Then again, his persona encourages this type of rabid following so fuck Tim Burton.

Detection

Well, I got 1716 words done and to be perfectly honest, it's pretty badass. The main character is cool, and I managed to work a bear into the mix which may or may not bite me in the ass later. At the moment it seems like it's a standard mystery/detective book, but with a bear. I'm not sure if it's a parody or ironically detached, but so far I'd read it.

The hardest part so far is deciding the names on the fly, which means they will totally change because some of them are already getting annoying to type. Plus, I'm not sure if a bear really should have a last name, then again he is the assistant...SPOILERS!

Naw, how can I spoil anything, I don't even know what's happening yet. Although keeping in the traditions of the genre, broads will cause drama and hard drinks will be downed. Also, I think the bear will do some soul-searching and learn a little bit about himself.

Novel Novelizations

I've always wanted to attempt to write a novel just to see if I could do it. It wouldn't be particularly well-written, and probably won't make sense, but I don't think that should be the point. Honestly, I just want to write something that I really feel like reading, isn't the idea of creativity supposed to be about having fun with it?

I suppose the first step is figuring out exactly what a novel is supposed to be. The Wikipedia article is far too long to ever consider reading, but the certifiable experts at Yahoo Answers tell me anywhere between 60 000 and 100 000 words.

I suppose this is it then. I'll write a novel, perhaps in a sexy genre, and explain my progress once in a while. I figure mentioning it here on the blog (which no one reads anyway) will make me feel like a dick for getting lazy and NOT writing, and this way I can actually finish my goal. I figure the story will involve a private investigator of some kind, and his assistant may or may not be a sarcastic dame.... A SARCASTIC DAME ROBOT!

Seriously though, I'm going to put some words on paper. I may post something afterward, or take a nap. Depends how sexy the novel gets I suppose.

You Misunderstand, I Really Don't Care

This year made me realize that in a world where Facebook and Twitter and such are so popular, there are events that I look forward to not because I'm interested in them, but mostly because I want them to be over so I don't have to hear about them anymore.

It started with the Late Night wars and the feud with Conan and Leno. At first it was neat hearing different perspectives weigh in, but after a couple days I stopped caring at all. Hearing comedians and other Late Night hosts chime in was relevant since this was an issue they could see all sides of, but why did people even care what Ashton Kutcher or Diablo Body have to say about it?

The next noticeable offense was the Olympics. I get it, it's fun to cheer on our countries and be patriotic, but I don't need twenty updates during every single event telling me how we did or giving me medal counts. I have legitimate news sources to get that information from.

Tonight are the Oscars, and although I like to stay current on the issues of popular culture, why do I need to know every person's Oscar picks? Do I care that someone I went to high school with is wishing James Cameron luck? Why is Bill Paxton being interviewed about his Oscar selections? Because he happened to be in a couple James Cameron movies a while ago?

As I type this, people are retweeting Ebert's predictions and commenting on things Perez Hilton and other gossip sites are saying about the pre-red carpet scenario. I know this is the information age, and the Internet has given everyone a voice, but you need to realize that just because you have a Facebook page doesn't mean that everyone wants to know your opinions on EVERYTHING.

"Jane Doe wishes all of the Oscar nominees the best of luck!!!" Are you serious? You are just a random suburban girl, it's not like Matt Damon is going to creep some random status updates and think to himself, "Hey, she's got a point. Maybe I do have a shot against Christoph Waltz."

Before anyone points it out, yes I realize the irony in complaining about this on my own blog, but this is what blogs are for: voicing your opinions on stuff. If you feel so strongly that the world needs to know your thoughts on a subject, put it out there for the world to see. If you're just an attention whore and feel like telling everyone that "Susan Smith hates waiting for the bus!", you should take a step back and just ask yourself a quick question: Seriously, who the fuck cares?

Stark Raving Concerns

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about Iron Man 2 rubs me the wrong way. I really liked the first movie, except for pretty much everything involving the villain, but something about this trailer just feels off. There are probably others who have legitimate concerns, especially about that scene from the trailer where Tony is attacked while driving a Formula One car (seriously what's up with that?), but my issues lie with the snippets of plot they've shown us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a huge fan of the Iron Man character, he's actually quite boring and there are many other heroes who deserved a proper big screen adaptation from Marvel Studios first (Oh, I dunno. Maybe Captain America?). I think it's the concept of Iron Man that I have the biggest problem with, nothing about it feels "cool" to me. He's like Batman without the vulnerability, or Superman without the character, either way you're taking away something that is special about those characters. I know Tony has his issues with alcohol, but to me that just makes him less sympathetic and harder to relate to.

I love superhero mythology and movies, I really do, but this one just seems like a cash-in. They're bringing in a new villain, giving us War Machine, and the trailer already shows shots of Black Widow and more Nick Fury. I don't know about anyone else, but the last time I had concerns about a movie's ability to handle the sudden addition of multiple complicated plot elements we ended up with Spider-Man 3. Here's hoping Favreau can handle things a little better than Raimi did.

The Pain of Ear Darts

There are a lot of specific guys that I dislike. Now I don't mean Fred or Bill specific, I mean "guy that walks around for more than five minutes with cigarette behind his ear". I know these sorts of actions aren't actually effecting me in any way, I'm just saying that when I see this guy at a party or something I always know that they're not the type of people I choose to associate with.

It's not the smoking thing either, that's their choice, it's the whole showy "look at me, I smoke just not at this second" aspect of it. If you bummed a dart and put it behind your ear on your route outside to smoke it, whatever that's a good a place as any. But that guy that just walks around with it like a prop, or worse yet smokes another one while the first one still behind his ear, nails the triple score on the douche-o-meter.



Another personality trait that usually links to annoyance for me is the guy with the canned material. At nearly every party I go to, somehow the incredibly lame douche that thinks he's funny will find his way over to me and start doing some clearly canned material. I'll smile and nod, but never laugh as I don't want to reinforce his idea that he's funny. Realizing that I'm not responsive to his bit, he'll usually start talking like himself and usually comes across much less annoying. That is until a third party feels the need to join our conversation, where annoying humor kid chooses to see if his material works on this new audience. It never does.

Look, I realize that when you're at a party with randoms you've never met before everyone clings on to a "thing". Just be aware that there are a lot of traits which are annoying as hell.

I Guess I Like Spike (Sometimes)

I'll admit straight off that I greatly dislike a lot of things about Spike Lee. I find his movies overrated, his messages are typically too heavy-handed, his directorial signature shots are sloppy, and in many of his interviews he comes across as incredibly pretentious and uncomfortably militant. C'mon Spike, you call your movies "joints" but you still want to be taken seriously? I'll give you the hatred of Tyler Perry though. Anyone who has made a fortune off of unoriginal and creatively bankrupt attempts at "humor", be they black (Tyler Perry) or white (Seth MacFarlane), don't deserve the admiration they get. I know I'm not qualified to chastise Perry as a representative of the African-American community, but I still know the guy isn't funny. All of this aside, Malcolm X is one of the best movies I've ever seen and without a doubt Lee's best work.

It's weird that I can disagree with almost everything another human being does or says, but respect this single item from his body of work so much. There are probably other examples, but none so obvious. Maybe Tim Allen and Galaxy Quest, but for some reason I watched a lot of Home Improvement anyway so I must have liked something about him.

The opposite would probably be Hugo Weaving and Amanda Bynes. I have seen pretty much everything both have done, and always loved their performances, but I would be stupid if I pretended that Lovewrecked or Transformers 2 were watchable. Damnit, I don't even like Lord of the Rings all that much but he was still fantastic.

Deep down I guess I feel guilty for disliking Spike Lee considering I like Malcolm X so much. I'm not sure why, I love Martin Scorsese but hated Age of Innocence and kept falling asleep during Raging Bull. I suppose you just got to remember that they're real people and it's not an all or nothing thing. After all, James Cameron consistently delivers in my books but Avatar was still boring as hell.

Good Luck Jay

This is probably going to date me horribly, but ever since I first saw him on Popular Mechanics for Kids I've been a big fan of Jay Baruchel. He was the funny foil to Elisha Cuthbert's amazing hotness, and I usually found him the more informative of the pair (I was always younger than her so it's not creepy. Well, it might be but I'm fairly certain it's not illegal or anything).

I was even one of those rare individuals that watched Undeclared as it came on television, even though I had never even heard of Freaks and Geeks at the time. The kid has always been a fantastic second-fiddle with great delivery, and even though his sitcom didn't do well, he looks as though he's getting another couple shots at leading glory. The problem is all of his upcoming movies look outright terrible and will probably kill his career.

It's pretty hard to avoid all of the advertising around She's Out of My League, but also coming out soon are The Trotsky and The Sorcerer's Apprentice. If you have a couple minutes to kill I recommend finding the trailers, if only to witness many terrible Hollywood mistakes likes to roll into a glorious mess.

The concept for The Trotsky is incredibly narrow and one that will certainly have no mainstream appeal. The Sorcerer's Apprentice looks like it could have been a neat kid's movie, apparently that Percy Jackson stuff is doing okay, but Nicolas Cage has a way of delivering when it comes to copious amounts of terrible. The one with all the advertising, She's Out of My League, doesn't look too bad. Actually several of the trailer lines gave me a chuckle. My fear is that this seems like one of those concepts that is difficult to stretch into a whole movie without giving us things we've seen a million times before.

I like Jay Baruchel, and I really want these movies to do well since I want to see him in more, but this is definitely a make or break year for him. If all three of these movies only get a mediocre reception, I'll have to wait another five years until they give him a shot again. This is just Clive Owen all over again, the man has had some great performances in awesome flicks, but that one year he put out three or four loads of crap and we've barely seen him since.

Icicle Toes

It's quite terrible that now that it feels like Winter's cruel dictatorship is finally over, I cannot walk around my house without feeling like my toes are going to break apart if stubbed. As this is the first blog post, most people might make some vague attempt at an introduction but let's face it, no one is going to read this anyway.

With the freedom that this awards me (knowing I have literally no audience), I can finally admit many of my most shameful beliefs:

1) Garbage men should really be paid whatever they want. That job sucks and I sure as hell am never going to do it.

2) I'll admit they're awesome, but The Beatles are quite overrated.

3) I know I'm supposed to like stuff like it, but I really don't think the Evil Dead movies are anything special.

4) The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2 are good and successful superhero movies, and they did a great job of adapting those characters to a mainstream audience. The problem is, in the comics these characters are quite different which gives people a wrong base for judging their interpretations in other media. Peter Parker is actually confident out of costume too, and Batman occasionally does detective work once in a while.

5) I don't care how "in" it is to call Quentin Tarantino unoriginal and lame, the man is a great filmmaker. That being said, no one should ever let him talk on camera... ever.